Whadaya Do When the Emperor Has No Clothes?

(The following's not very charitable. It's a little charitable, but not very. I'd not post it, except that I know many of you who read this pray for us (thank you again), and I could use prayer right now; I'm feeling very muddled - not about life in general, God be praised, just about this. That, and somehow things feel more real when you write them out loud. So, please forgive me, and know that I know that what I'm writing is process, and not end result. It's trying to get out all the bad, so that I can arrive at what is good. That said, please skip it if you feel you should. It's not very edifying. Caveat over)



I'm trying to visualize going back to karate. When I do, I get so mad I want to spit. I guess getting hurt really does make you angry.

I do want to go back, if for no other reason than that, as Adam's wife, I can see it being useful to be a black belt. If he continues to teach karate, being a black belt will give me useful status with his associates.

See, that's the thing. I can't think of any non-practical reasons to go back to karate. They're reasons like: well, it's a good way to stay in shape. Or: it'd be silly to go this far and not finish.

And that's it. Now, it feels like getting my black belt would be finishing, not starting. I just don't think I can take karate that seriously anymore. I used to. But, frankly, there's so many things wrong with the school, and all of them are things I can't fix, and so being emotionally invested is, for me, a waste of energy better used elsewhere.

And if being emotionally invested in it is a waste of energy for me, I better not go back unless I can be detached. Getting mad about it IS taking it seriously.

Actually, I could probably use practice in detachment. I do take everything so seriously. Because, really, I believe that everything is. But maybe, being fallen and limited, I'm supposed to pick my battles. If so, this is not the hill that I want to die on.


Here are the things I think went wrong at the test:

1. I should have been allowed to test for my purple belt. It was just given to me (because I missed the test), and that felt like cheating.
2. I hadn't had a full test since my green belt, and was thus out of practice. (And, btw, now I have to go into my black belt test with my last full test being for my green belt.)
3. The above fact was made a big deal of during my brown belt test, which made me nervous.
4. I was given the same challenge as the men I was testing with, when I am not physically equal to them.
5. Being nervous, I made the mistake of getting in the mindset of "I don't need to think about this, I just need to get through it". This mindset led to:
6. Not thinking my break through, and hitting with the wrong part of my arm.
7. I likely wasn't taking in enough calcium as a nursing mom.


It's the first three that make it hard to go back. I can fix the last three. The first three are out of my hands, and, frankly, not likely to change (that is, the larger trends of which those are specific instances are unlikely to change).

The fourth one can probably be changed - and partly by my now being aware of it, and able to ask for adjustments. I've learned that I'm not a guy, and can't do what they do (I used to rather think I could do anything I put my mind to. I now know that I can't, even if I try hard enough to break my bones).

See, it isn't all my fault, and it isn't all the dojo's fault: it's a nasty mix of the two. That makes it really hard to decide:
1. If I should go back
2. How to go back if I do

Mistakes on all sides. Blame for everyone, pass it around.

And it is a big deal, and it isn't a big deal. I am going to be okay (I think), and there's so very many worse things in the world. This is minor on the grand scale. But there was and is a lot of cost in regards to pain, time and effort for the many people who helped take care of me and Brie, money, lost ability, lost time with my husband and child, and things like that. So, even if it's small on the big scale, it's big on my scale, and I can't ignore it, I need to think it through.

My immediate emotional reaction is "screw you." Crude, but to be honest, it's what comes up in my mind whenever I really think about the situation.

I might go through and get my black belt, but I'm never going to feel as if I earned it properly. I'd give my brown belt back, but frankly, if I did that, I'd never finish - and probably I did earn it, though I certainly didn't earn it the way I wanted to.

I shouldn't stay away just because the situation is imperfect; if I did that, I'd never get involved with anyone or anything. The question is rather: though imperfect, is there enough good for me in karate to outweigh the bad?


Maybe it would be worth going as a spiritual exercise in detachment. In controlling the passions. I'm realizing that anger is a state I easily fall into, and it might be good for me to go back with the intention of just taking it for what it is, and ignoring all the glaring flaws. The fact that procedure constantly changes. That rules are unevenly enforced. That people with the same belt color have wildly different skill levels. That many classes seem less about discipline and more about caprice. Et cetera. All the things that bothered me less until they hurt me. It's all human error really, and maybe I have to learn to forgive in others what I hate when I see in myself: imperfection.

Or maybe I should chuck it. (Rhymes with . . .)

-Jess

Forgive me.